*cries*

what did i do?
what do i do to always have this happen??
I admit i havent been the easiest person to deal with lately... I was having a hard time... I was on one of my down cycles... they come and go... I cant help them... I pray to God that I could... but I cannot...
I was confused about Eric... it seemed to me that he had moved on... found someone else... he hadnt been talking to me... I know he was having family problems... and i tried to apoligize to him if thats all it was... but i am a paranoid person... espeecially when it comes to men... I've been walked on and used and hurt so many times... I need a little more reassurance than some girls... and with him being so far away... it was hard for me....
so i had started talking to my friend Mike about it all... he's helped me thru a lot since i met him... talked sense into me on many occasions... he has bad luck with women... as i do with men... but he understands where i am coming from... he always seems to know just how to put me at ease about whatever is going on with my guy... and so he told me to try to stop fretting over it all... to just have patience... that Eric would come back around and we would be ok... and I tried... i did... i was getting better with it... Mike even said he would come with me to visit Eric in a few weeks... because he knows I didnt wanna go alone... Mike was going to bring the girl he was talking to at that moment, because he just knew we would hit it off and be wonderful... and he didnt wanna just be third wheeled.... which i completely understand that reasoning...

I was getting more at ease about Eric just needing some time to think... I slacked down on calling him and messaging him so much... but i tried to still talk to him... and to have him understand that I was going thru a rough spot too... but that I love him and i wanted to be with him... but before... and maybe even through some of that... I know i said some things that probably hurt him.... which believe me it wasnt my intention... but i get that way when i get mad and frustrated... i shoot my mouth off about everything... but usually by later that day or the next morning I'm so sorry for what i had said... I even wrote him a letter at work today about it... telling him i was sorry for any hurt i may have caused him... because truly i am....

and then i got home and noticed he wasnt online like he usually is... so I got on another screenname of mine to look at something... and out of curiosity to see if he really was offline... and he was online... I had my main messenger open and this second one... and one said he was on the other said he was off....

my jaw hit the floor...

HE BLOCKED ME!

what?! how could he! I thought he cared for me more than that! I'm so confused.... I was planning to tell him the story today... about all of this... and that over the past few days i realized that in my heart i really do care for him.... all the songs that used to remind me of past boyfriends, and past loves.... when i hear them now i thought of him... in my dreams last night i dreamt that he was the true love of my life.... but then i also dreamt that we couldnt be together... i should have seen this coming.... he blocked me... and he hasnt called in days...

my heart hurts...

*cries*