Today was a good day to be outside... It would have been a wonderful day to go for a walk in the park or gardens with someone you love... and tonight was a great night to be in love... too bad I'm not

another lovely day wasted... I'm seriously thinking about changing that... as soon as I get my life in order... I'm gonne start going places and making friends... not that I want lots and lots of friends... I just want some I can do things with... some my age or older... some who havent prejudged me because they knew me throughout high school...

I'm also seriously thinking about taking a vow of celibacy... no nothing... guys will be lucky to get kisses out of me... I know it will be hard... because I like it all a lot... but I'm tired of everything always being about that... because when i like a guy and i let him touch me... he not only physiclly touches me... but emotionally as well... and I have yet to learn how to prevent that... so I'm just not gonna anymore... now I'm glad I'm not psychotic about it like some girls... I just cry... when I like a guy and I let things happen... and then he does the same thing elsewhere... I just cry... I cry and lose trust in them... now if i like them and nothing happens between the two of us... then he can mess with whomever he wants... and I will just be peeved... but either way he should watch himself... because if he goes overboard... I'm liable never to wanna touch him again... thats just nasty!

**sigh** yes... lots of that is in reference to a certain guy, whose name I will not mention... I've been thinking abouthim alot lately... and it upsets me because I cant have him... I'm doing good to get him to talk to me some days... But... I'm trying to kepe my faith up about it....

*head falls and hits desk*... I'm not sure how good I'm holding up tho... I've been let down so many times...