Current mood: upset

Current music: n/a

Current attire: orange shirt and red plad pj pants

apparently I'm having a down week this week... its weird, because on my down weeks I feel more like me than ever, but I'm not happy... I sit back and worry and push people away for no good reason... I ignore people and say the wrong things... I'm constantly sad and depressed... and all I wanna do is have a good cry... I listen to sad songs about losing the one you love and songs about looking for someone who loves you... sad sappy songs that make me think about finding my one true love... and the fear that I have of losing them because I am this way... I cant help it... I dont know how to not be this way when I get this way... I dont know what causes it... and I dont want to go get myself evaluated... I'd rather not have my problems put on paper and signed by a doctor... because once that happens, the chance that its all my imagination and that I'll be ok on my own one day... that chance is null....

and I'm worried right now that I've somehow pushed 2 certain people away... and that makes me so sad... just thinking about the chance makes me cry... I need to try harder not to do that when I am having my down weeks... because it seems that the only real friends I have anymore are the ones who have similar problems to me... because they understand... everyone else i think just doesnt understand the concept of a "down week"... they dont understand the different kinds of outlets for the emotional and pyscological pain that I have... I wish it would go away... people tell me i just need to put it behind me.... my past you know... and I have... altho occasionally I still think about it... its behind me... but the long term effects are there....

I'll never lay a hand on my children