Current mood: **cries**

Current music: nothin really... just the tv my brother left on

Current attire: sketti strap shirt and flaming pj pants

well... what can i say... life could be great... but it isnt... it sooo isnt... why does the strange shit always happen to moi? damn i hate it... well anyways, i went up to Natchitoches with a friend from work a few days ago (Todd)... we had fun... watched a bunch of movies, chilled, stayed up all night, etc... I like this guy ok... him and his gf had just broken up that day... i was happy, she doesnt treat him well anyway... ok so then while we're watchin the movies we're all like holding hands under the blanket and stuff... then when his friend leaves at like 6am we started like making out and stuff... it was great... i was on cloud nine... been there ever since... until last night...

I came back home for a few days because i had to work, but we went back to Nat again last night... first off, his friend (Chris) rode with me... that was weird... i found out that he did that on purpose because his friend likes me... which is stupid as all get out because i told him that i dont like the guy... he's cool for a friend... thats all... seriously... anyway... when we get back to Nat we started playing drinking games... i had waaay waaaaaaay too much... next thing i know me and Todd a girl that rode up with us are all goofin around in Chris's room... we're all just bein stupid, the rest of the people in the house were in and out and such... but then someone turned off the light and locked the door... so its just me and todd and the girl in the room laid out on the bed... todd started kissing me and all... then he starts like making out with her... he yanked her up on top of him and was like derobeing her and such... practically pushed me off the bed... so i got up and left the room.... ok so then the girl comes out of the room and told me to come back in... i kept telling her no... but she kept insisting todd wanted to talk to me... so i finally went back in to talk to him... he liked pulled me down to him and told me that he wasnt trying to ignore me... and he started kissing me and pulled me down onto him... then the girl came back in the room and locked the door again... todd somehow managed to get all of my clothes off of me... i dont remember how it happened... but hey... annyways, she came back and said something about laying on the floor, but she got back in the bed... ok so yea the next thing i realize... hes got her all naked and pulled back on top of him.... ok so by this time i was irritated.... i was drunk as a skunk... i didnt wanna have a 3way... i so could have done him... but i wasnt in the mood for sharing last night... especially when he was kinda giving me the impression he'd rather her.... so i left again...

i went back in the front with everyone else... i kept screaming at the door... i dont even remember what i was saying all i remember was screaming and directing it at the door to the room they were in... then my throat started hurting and for some reason i started crying... chirs was a sweetie... he took pretty good care of me... but that still dont mean i like him as anything more than a friend... i like cried for the longest time... i even called Ben a few times... for some reason i wanted Ben to be there... it was kinda like, you know when you're sick and crying for mommy?? it was sorta the same idea... i was drunk and wanting Ben to come and comfort me i guess... i dont know why i wanted him, but i did... so.. all i remember is crying and then eventually i guess i passed out... no i didnt puke... and i didnt really have a hang over... a little i guess... i've had a headache all day... but thats really all...

so yea... i'm confused as hell... cause i hear that he told his ex gf that he loved her last night on the way back to Nat... whether or not that happened i dunno... and then on the way home i let him drive my car... and he kept singing a bunch of those "i love you... i want you" type songs. He even sang "From this moment on" to me and was all like looking in my eyes and holding me chin up and stuff... it was cute... but from what i was told... keyword TOLD... theres no telling how true it is... Todd supposedly said that he would wanna date me if chris didnt like me... and if chris stopped liking me, maybe he would then... but he doesnt want to hurt his friend... so I'm confused....