Thursday June 19, 2003 7:29 pm

Current mood: not sure

Current noise: the sound of the opening menu to whatever is in the dvd player

Current attire: black sweatpants, green tiki hut cafe shirt with my hair tied up on the top of my head

Well, I found out from my sister today that my dad is thinking of cutting me off... greeeat... this means there is a good chance that college is over for me and I will have to get a secong job and pick up my insurance on my car... I might even ask to have the car signed over and put in my name and I'll make payments on it myself... This also means that next week I HAVE to go by Hibernia and open my checking account and order my checks and debit card... aint it wonderful... oh well, I think I will live... I hope I do... I'm just still praying that I am not pregnant... even tho now I kinda wanna be pregnant... it would give me something to look forward to, among other things... I've always feared that if I dont have a child by the time I am 20 years old that I will no longer be able to... but if i am pregnant, then whether or not my fears or true, at least I'll have that one thing which i crave most in the universe... a child... The way I feel in my heart, I was put on this earth for two things.. 1. To work with and care for a wide variety of animals... and 2. to be a mother... now the animal thing... I plan on if I am cut off and forced to quit school for lack of funds... I plan too go to the zoo and apply there... I want to become a keeper... to work with exotic animals has always been a dream of mine... I believe that I would be completely happy with those few things.... I think my life would be perfect... Work as a zoo keeper and be a young single mom... I know I could handle it... I would be even happier once I was able to get my own place... which might very well be a realistic thing... maybe if i am pregnant the dad would wanna live with me... I'm not saying date or anything... just kinda to help with the rent and utilities and so he could be with his child whenever he wants... make him earn is way as a father LOL... not that I would force him into it... I would be just as happy with one of my girlfriends being my roomie... but hey, Its just an idea... Rachel is really the only person who knows... she's been so excited... she wants me to be pregnant, but at the same time she knows it wouldnt necessarliy be the best thing, so she's hoping I am not too... I told my sister today too... I still have a week before I can worry too much... but I dunno, it may just be my nerves... but I think I am... I just dont feel quite right, know what I mean?? I think either way I find out I am gonna scream for joy and cry all at the same time... I want a child, I really do... but I know it would be best to wait... but ooh how I want a baby... Rachel is gonna be his/her Nanny if I do... She's been so great to me lately... I'm glad we're friends again... we were kinda distant for a while...

on a new note... well, on the work note... things have been a lil crazy... I dont really know what to think about anything anymore... Rachel Likes Aaron a lot... but I kinda do too... but then again I dont... and I am a lil intrigued by Ruben, but I dont like him in that way.. plus he's too young for me... and then theres a girl at work who just broke up with her boyfriend... and we think she likes Aaron too, and I'm not sure but I think he might have a thing for her, but then again she thinks he has a thing for me... and I dunno... She's very controlling of him... so what if he smokes and does a lil weed, not to mention his long hair... yea I'm not necessarily fond of any of it either, but that's him... as long as I dont start gagging from the fumes of the smoke, and as long as he doesnt force the weed on me (which he's already said he wants me to do it with him... maybe I will one day... I need to find out about the whole pregnant thing first tho...) who cares! He was talkin about stockin up on weed when he moved his family back to Texas at the end of the year... he's staying here tho... I just laughed at him... crazy boy... she probably would have had a hernia! and yea I told him "I dont smoke... Smoking stinks!" and then he said "nu uh! smoking is cool!" and I replied "yea right! I've been watching it kill my mom for years... she's been smoking since I was little" but its not like I told him he needs to quit... I'm sure he suspects that I think that... That I would prefer him not... as I prefer that everyone wouldnt smoke... But I cant change people... he's a big boy, he's gonna do what he wants... she'll like give him dirty looks and be like "do you see these sad/angry/upset (pick one) eyes?!" umm... be nice child... you wouldnt win my affection over with that... jealous lil thing... Its not a big deal if he hugs another girl... I mean she's ok... I dont not like her, but she isnt my fav either... i just think she needs to chill out a bit... stop being so jealous... ya know?

anyways... I gotta pee pee and then I am gonna watch this movie... I'll write somemore next chance I get... I promise!!!

~Rach

Monday, June 23, 2003 12:03am

Current mood: a tid bit twitterpated....

Current music: Mercy Me - I can only imagine

Current attire: black comfy pants, red t-shirt that says "my boyfriend kisses better than yours"

hey... I know my updates are all whacked at the moment... what can I say tho? Things have been kinda weird... anyways... I finally saw my dad today... but not out of choice... I went to the house to get my conditioner and I thought he was working nights but he was there... oh well... I am just glad I talked my sister into coming with me so that I didnt have to confront him about the night I left... I'm really not looking forward to having to do that.... he looked at me like he hates me or something... uugh... oh well... things will be okay i think...

anyways... I also talked to Will tonight about why I never get to see him... I probably wouldnt have found out the truth anytime soon if I hadnt have gotten frustrated with never being able to see him... and if he never would have realized that it bothers me like it does... I'm glad he told me though... I cant talk about it because I know people that read this know him or they know people who know him, and he doesnt really want people to know about what all has been going on... Its nothing like him having a relationship with someone else... its more like a personal problem that he has to overcome before things can really go much further for him and I and just for him in general... He told me that if I never wanna speak to him again that he would respect that and that he would understand,... but I cant just not talk to him... I really like him a LOT... more than you could imagine... I'm not sure exactly why... but I am... I like him soooo much.... Its crazy...I just seriously cant get him out of my mind... I wanna be with him so badly.. and no I am not meaning sexually... I just wanna be with him... be in the same house, room, car, whatever... I want to be in him presence.... I want to be close enough to him to be able to talk to him and not do so on the phone... I want to be close enough to him so that I can walk up to him and touch his hand whenever I want... I just want to be with him... be around him... I dont know why, but I do... and I am not really going to argue with that...

But you see the problem comes in when I start becoming mildly interested in someone else... someone who MIGHT come over tonight... I doubt it though... seeing as how an hour has passed and he hasnt called me back yet... but should he call in the next, oh 30 minutes... he may still come over... and I plan to tell him when he comes... be like "look I know that I have told you that I am kinda 'talking' to someone at the moment... and I REALLY like him, but you see it kinda sux cause I am kinda starting to like you a little too..." I dont really have any intention on dating him... but I mean if things dont work out between Will and I, why push him away in the meantime... because I still dont know anything about it... so... I want him to know.

anyways... the only bug in the house is now sitting on my computer screen, naturally.. because its the only light on... and its bugging the hell outta me... so I think I am gonna call it a night....

~Rach