disturbing dream and I might be in trouble with Rachel
10:16 a.m. * 2003-06-12
yea... a 50-50 chance as to whether or not I can update when I wanna... isnt that lovely... probably more like a 70-30 chance or a 80-20 with my not being able to update being the highest chance... oh well... anyways
I had a really disturbing dream last night... I was at my mom's house... and she was on the phone and I was sitting on the couch just looking at my stomach... when she got off the phone I asked her if I looked any different and she said no. Then I said that i was different, maybe she didnt notice just yet, but I do... and then I proceeded to tell her that there was something I needed to talk to her about. The first thing she said was that if it was that I lost my virginity that I knew Mawmaw wouldnt be happy.. and I thought 'what the hell does that have to do with anything?! why should Mawmaw have to know anything?!' And then I told her that I was pregnant... and she said that well, she'll support my decision if I choose to keep it, but she wasnt happy... Next thing I remember is that we were outside walking down the road and it was kinda bleak and gloomy almost, and she started asking me how I got pregnant and I remember thinking 'how do you think?!' But then I told her that it was the first time I had done anything... That I just made a mistake with a friend one night and now I am paying the price for that (I told her that it was the first time, even tho it really wasnt, but i knew that it would be easier for her to swallow.) The next thing I remember about the dream is her telling me that I need to tell my dad, and I told her that I know I need to tell him, But I am scared to death to tell him that... What if he disowns me?! I want to keep the baby, but if he disowns me I probably wont be able to go back to school, I wont be able to afford both on my own, and even if the baby's dad helps... We probably wont be able to afford it all, so I will just have to sacrifice school for a while until we get on our feet... and that I can start working more hours at my job... And he and I can try to find some place to stay for when the baby is born, and I dont really have insurance anymore... I'm too old to have it thru my mom or dad unless I am in school, and I wouldnt be... And I dont have the means to have any on my own yet.... And then I woke up... I thought about the dream... I think that if I am pregnant... There's a good chance that is what I will have to do... And then I keep thinking over and over about how beautiful he is... the person who is the dad if I am pregnant... he's just so beautiful...
on a slightly different note.... I might be getting in a bind with Rachel soon... see there is this guy Aaron that we work with.. Rachel is like IN-LOVE with him... and well, she told him yesturday that she liked him... and after work we all sat around talking (not Rachel tho, she got off work earlier than the rest of us) and it was JohnT, Aaron and I who were talking... and wait! Back up... I got off half an hour before we closed, but Aaron had been asking me to stay and help them close... and well I ended up staying because Meredith asked me to come chill with her in the front because she was going to have to close alone... so I stayed and helped them close... off the clock..... anyways, back to the discussion... the three of us were talking... and we somehow got on the subject of Rachel... and Aaron was like 'yea i like her, but not like that... i like her as a friend and that is all' and JohnT responded to that with 'yea and when she gets all over him he doesnt know how to push her away, poor guy' and then they started talking about how it always happens that the girl that they're madly in love with wants nothing to do with them and that the girls who want them they dont want... Aaron is always asking if he can have a hug and flirting with me and stuff... and then he asked me if I thought he was ugly (no) and is I was attracted to him (maybe a little) and if I liked him (um....) and well with those answers he was like "yes! so that means there is still a chance" and well... I do kinda like him... He's not really my type, But I am attracted to him for some odd reason and we get along really well... but then I sorta like Will... But i dunno what is going on there, so I guess I should figure that out huh? and so i dunno.... If Aaron does like me.... I dont think Rachel is gonna be to happy about that... but I'm not just gonna pretend that I dont like Aaron... I may not pursue anything... But I'm not one to lie or pretend about some things...
Anyways, I think I hear thunder! I love stormy weather! So I guess this means I am goin into the front room to be able to enhoy the stormy weather a lil better! ALL THOSE WINDOWS! what shall I do?! LOL