yup... me and Eric are over... its official... he says he loved me... but I cant believe that... he wouldnt have been the way he was... I know he was having troubles... but hell.. if you love someone... you dont talk about wanting to be with other people and loving some other girl... and you sure as hell try to contact them in some sort of way... I never meant to hurt him... but I did... and oh well... he had hurt me so much beforehand... But I'll live... I think... altho now I do want to go throw up... I dont know if it was really how I believe it to be.. or if as usual.. i fucked up a potentially good thing... because I have problems.... uugh... I need medication.... something is wrong with me... I hate men... but I use them.... I just in general have a problem with them... and every guy that I think i care for... they always end up hurting me... and the guys who care about me... I always end up hurting them... uugh whats wrong with me.... I'm such a fuckup when it comes to relationships... I want children one day.. but in a way I hope I am infertile... because I'd probably just fuck my child up also... and I dont want that... I hate that I fall for people so quickly.... I hate that I still care about Eric... I wish I didnt... it would make things better... and yes... I apoligize for that last entry... in a way i wish he and i could start over... and just be friends this time... I shoot my mouth off when i care about someone.... i act stupidly.... and that was the first time I have ever fooled around on someone so to speak...

but he hates me now... oh well... thats good i guess... at least this way we never got serious... i never had a chance to hurt him badly.... he can say whatever he'd like about me... i dont mind... becuase he never really knew me anyway...

yuk... i think i am gonna be sick... but i knew it was coming... i wonder why i did it... i guess i was tired of wondering... i just wanted it to be or not to be... and then i saw "i love..." on his site... and he wasnt talking about me... and i got insanely jealous... oh well...

excuse me while i go throw up....