ok, so I'm here pretending I never met Ben... we all know that isnt true... but gimmie a break... I need to get passed his old stupid ass... I gave him an ultimatum tonight... told him that if there will ever be another chance for me to be with him, then I'll stick around and try... but if not, Then i never want to speak to him again... why should i sit here, suffering, crying over all the fighting he and I do... why should i have to sit here suffering for nothing at all?! He told me that if I cant be his friend thru the good and the bad, then what makes me think I would ever have a chance to be with him... well, if i have no chance... why suffer thru the bad?! Especially when 85% of our relationship is miserable... I dont want to be depressed for him and never be able to be with him... Now, he has told me that he is a manic-depressive bi-polar... and I seriously do believe him... I've been there with him thru some shit these past few months... I've heard his stories.... and some of them are some BAAD things too... but i loved him all the more... none of the bad ever made me love him any less... but since I've met him, I've gone back into my depressive state... It's just been so hard for me to see him like that... I may overdose myself on medicine every now and then to dull the pain of my depression... or I may burn the names of people I am pissed at into my arms as a sort of release for my anger... but i would never purposly try to kill myself... I just know i wouldnt... and Ben gets suicidal when he gets depressed... he's done it at least twice in the past few months that I am aware of... I wouldnt be surprised if its more... But I dont want to handle all of the bad and never get any of the good stuff... all we do is fight... mostly anyway... why should i have to continue to suffer when he knows how much i am mad for him... why should i have to suffer for him and never have him again?! Why shouldnt I be allowed to be happy again?! Why cant I just TRY to forget about it all... I get depressed enough on my own... why should i get depressed for someone who will never appriciate all that I have done for them?!!!! Honestly... tell me! If theres ONE good reason, let me know... If not.. Then damnit Ben! Let me get on with my life! Stop dragging me down... Mysery may like company... but I dont wanna be company to mysery that will never acknowledge me!